It's funny how I can put that little emoticon up as my mood, as though our emotions can be reduced to an animated cartoon on the Internet. Maybe they are reduced to such things-- we're becoming such a technical world where everything is organized and put into categories. You aren't supposed to live by emotions anymore because it is foolish and illogical. You will not succeed in life, and success is the most important goal you can have. And apparently "success" is not a debatable concept. Success is a matter of the college degree you have, how many possessions you have, how steady of an income you have, how HIGH of an income you have, how sturdy of a house you have, how loyal of a husband you have, and how many children you have. Success is that unattainable goal everyone strives their whole lives for.. the American Dream.

I would hate to live the American Dream.

Maybe I'm a hippy living in the 2000s, maybe I'm 19 and that's young, or maybe I'm just a plain fool -- But I am in love with love. And I would do anything for it.

I'm working right now to go to Australia. I am finishing up my first year of college, while working in the evenings to save up as much money as possible, and preparing to apply for the visa. I hope to get there by June.

Yes, I love to travel, but I'm going for a different love.. my girlfriend.

That changes things, doesn't it? When I tell people I am going to Australia, they think it's really brave of me and exciting and are happy for me. And then they ask why Australia and I tell them I have a girlfriend there. And that's when they suddenly think it's a bad idea. I am throwing my life away.

It's funny how one moment I am Kate, a good friend, an independent person with a lot of passion, an intelligent girl who knows what she wants and how to get it, to suddenly.. Kate, a homosexual leading a corrupt life. I become simply my sexuality.

My parents no longer are willing to pay for my college. I can't go home without getting preached at whenever I leave the haven of my bedroom to venture into the rest of my house. My siblings no longer see me as a sister, but merely someone else who has the same mother as them. They ask me if I have kissed a girl and then scrunch up their faces in disgust. And then they say I am selfish to go to Australia and never come back. But I wonder why they would even want me to stay. When they look at me, they see only that I am attracted to a girl. They don't understand that it's more than attraction, that it is love. They tell me that because I am so cruel to have done this to them, I am not capable of loving.

Ouch. Not capable of loving.

Isn't that what started this whole mess? My having fallen in love with someone? In that case, isn't my fault being too open to love?

As you grow up, kids' TV shows tell you to believe in your imagination and in yourself, be understanding and accepting of differences, books encourage you to be adventurous and brave and think for yourself, fairy tales tell you to believe in love, be true to yourself, and follow your heart. Sometimes I wonder who actually believes that stuff. Was I just a sap who absorbed it all? Am I the fool who didn't get the joke? Or am I the one that didn't realize you're supposed to give up those ideals when you reach a certain age? True love is made up in Disney movies and beauty is what the media makes it to be.

Except, I don't believe it dies at a certain age. I think when you grow up, it just goes by a different name than fantasy--it's called art. And I am an artist who can find beauty in everything. I happen to find it most prominently in the heart and mind of a girl in Australia. I love her.

My family does not accept it because they are very wrapped up in religion. I felt incredibly uneasy last Easter Sunday when I agreed to go to church with them and during the service, three theatre-sized screens hung from the ceiling showing scenes that were plainly happening in front of us live, and even more disturbed when communion was a process of passing around a basket of single-serve prepackaged packets of wine and crackers.

And yet, thousands of people attend this church and believe in this stuff. Thousands of people believe I am a vile person without ever having spoken to me.

I appealed to my brother for help today in hosting my girlfriend when she comes to America for a few weeks, and his reply was, "i just want you to know..we love you, but we just can't support you in what you're doing."

In other words, we love the Bible more than you.

Alright. I can respect that as asinine as I find it to be. Through this whole experience I've grown to realize that family (mine anyway) is not a net that catches you when you fall, is not a bond that holds you close even when you're distant, is not there for you if it means going against what they think is right. Agree or be cast out. They say I am incapable of loving, yet their love for others will not extend past the words printed inside a book entitled "Bible." I am the one incapable of loving, when they are the ones using a book as a shield over their hearts. They have crosses in their eyes, and scriptures clogging their ears. I am only a daughter until I disagree with their manual.

Ok. I have to go to work to make money to leave this country. This is my rant and this is my life.

I am happy, though I am condemned.
I am in love.
Love is all I need.